It's been a week since I've written. It's not that I'm dead and it's not really that I'm busy, though I am tired and working hard.
What I'm feeling is similar to what I felt when I was in Phoenix before I left: a combination of panic, grief, excitement, dread, fear, exhilaration and joy. It's overwhelming. I feel like I haven't been myself for the past week because of all this emotion.. kind of like how I used to feel leaving Mingus when I was in Junior High, but a longer period of time and much more extreme.
I guess I should begin by asking for understanding and forgiveness. This is me, of course, but me in an extreme. I'm "freaking out" on the inside and it's hard to keep it together on the outside.
Today the CEO of CMRF asked me what I'd learned in Ireland. Or what had I experienced that I didn't expect. I thought for a second and I told him something I've been churning but hadn't spoken yet.
What I learned in Ireland:
1) People in Ireland are a lot like the people in the United States. In fact, they're the same. "They," the Irish, are just people, just people who want to be seen as individuals. I learned to look past the generalizations about a population and listen to people. That's when you see what makes you miss a place, it's the real relationships and emotional connections you make with people.
So I didn't find the Irish to be friendly or rude or uneducated or drunk. I found some young people to be insightful and some older people to be crass. I found them as individuals. I hope they found me to the be the same.
2) That the things you have don't make you happy. Or, that happiness is a choice. Humans are flexible, adaptable to a variety of situations. The things we have don't make our lives happier, they make us comfortable, give us the imitation of control and predictability. I can be happy without endless wireless or a car or my clothes or my cat or my family. Happiness is a choice. I can be happy without things. I cannot be happy without a smile.
3) Opportunity is not passive. You have to get your hands dirty and work hard to find something worth seeking. And along the way, you find out all kinds of things you didn't know you could do. I am more capable than I ever imagined. The confidence that comes with that self discovery is a gift I worked hard for and will never leave me.
4) As Sarah said "turn your what if's into even ifs." This concept of "ready" is just another way to make an excuse. Instead of what if I fail, what if it doesn't work, what if we break up, instead it's even if I fail, even if it doesn't work, even if we break up.. I'm still here, I'm still me, I still love my family.
So America, I'm returning in about ten days. I've gained 5 lbs, at least, but what I carry home in my soul cannot be weighed. I feel different, the same, but different. Not happier, but more satisfied and content.
I won't be writing much, I don't think, because I've got things to do, things to finish and people to spend time with.
Quickly though:
Last Wednesday: Hung out with Jimmy, went to dinner at Thai place, watched Donnie Darko
Thursday: Worked, went out for last time with all the American girls to Flannery's, Carolyn was a crack up, wore green dress, met up with Jimmy, ate a kebab, got a mirror
Friday: Went to Dun Lagohaire with Jimmy, ate pizza, was tired, looked for Michael Collins
Saturday: Was sick. Went out with McKenna to Whelans/the Globe. Had a great time. Ate chicken nuggets. Danced the two-step on Grafton Street
Sunday: Was sick again. Boo. Watched 500 Days with girls in room. Went to sleep early.
Monday: Went to Kilarney Jail, learned a whole bunch about Irish history, walked on every bridge on the Liffey. Loved the jail, love Irish history. Hung out with Jimmy in Dun Lagohaire, walked a bit and drove around Dun Lagohaire, ate Thai food (this was a bank holiday)
Tuesday: worked, ran, made dinner for girls
Wednesday: worked, made dinner, kesley back from Paris
I'm still in a funky mood.. I think I'll head to bed. Night
